13 April, 2007

Arab Lady’s new label is Khataba!

For English Speaking Readers Khataba: is the woman who matches between DEMAND (potential grooms) & SUPPLY (potential brides) !It’s a practice deeply rooted in our conservative culture & work for those who are against dating & wanna Mama look for his soul mate!

Ok ok many of you gave me different labels since I started blogging: “Anti-Men”, “Anti-Muslims”, “Sick”, & “Bad Preventative of Arabs”….etc

These days, me & my friend are working as Khataba! Ya Ya imagine:)
My friend is depressed, her mother is depressed, her whole family is damn depressed..guess why? My friend’s sister is 26 and still single. The girl is really cute, educated, conservative, and traditional.. every body loves her & she is a working woman…etc BUT SHE IS STILL SINGLE. Is it shameful for her, for her family..(
wasmit 3ar in other words!)?

The mother is really tired of her daughter’s situation & very concerned about her future especially that the girl is getting older. Some guys who were about to propose held their horses back when knew her age! Although they were in their thirties but a 25 or 26 year old girl is too old for them!! (Ra7mitak ya Allah 3al hal Sick-minded men). May God give us strength to tolerate such men. Amen!

I tried to nominate the girl to my relative’s cousin. I’m even spreading the word everywhere! But guess what? HIS MOM wants a tall girl! Excuse me! who the hell are you to categorize people based on their height? Who are you to pick you son’s future partner? Can’t he do that job himself?

My friend keeps calling to follow up. She is so stressed coz she can sense how uncomfortable her sister is but she doesn’t show that she is even thinking about the issue (
3am tkaber ya3ni) The girl wanna please her mother at any cost by getting married!

I understand the mother’s concerns…she wanna see her daughter in white..she wanna see her happy at her husband’s house having a supporting back and kids…etc
But my questions are:
Are we all supposed to get married? What if we stayed singles, so what? Is it the end of the world? If they perceive me as a “SPINSTER”, is it my fault? Is marriage the path to finding the “supporting back”? Why girls are obsessed with marriage? Why FAMILY, NEIGHBORS, BROTHERS, RELATIVES give SINGLE GIRLS that pity look when they start getting older & years pass by while the girl remains SINGLE! Does marriage guarantee happiness? Is it the ultimate goal in an Arab girl’s life ? Why they put SINGLE girls under great psychological pressure so we end up making the WRONG decisions?

A very close person to my heart got married years ago to a completely incompatible guy just for the sake of escaping her reality, rumors , gossip, looks full of sarcasm..etc.

They say “We are guests at our parents’ house”! It’s true. It is true not because it’s a fact but because they make it a fact! Every body is waiting for us to leave to the golden nest!

If there is no nest
No groom
No supporting back
Then mourn your reality & prepare your self for your new name SPINSTER

With Love,
Your Future Arab Cute


LOL Arab Lady .. this is your FUNNIEST post ever! I'm completely in love with it ...

Look, I can't be all serious and say something meaningful at this point but YOU ... KHATBA!! .. LOL!
Tab ballahi .. shofeelna 3aroostain 3ala kaifek .. and kattri mkhallal :D

Thank you for this laugh. And really... Don't feel sorry for your friend. she'll be alright ...


Bashar said...

Wow, thats a great post.... seems like your reading my mind !!! :)

eshda3wa said...

ur rite
girls are put under so much psycological pressure to get married
my family are begining to sing the tune of "its time" im 22 and graduating next near, now all i need is a man to complete me.
and who the hell told them i was half a person to begin with?!
BACK OFF i say
i will choose when its rite, and that most probably will be never

and its not just in arab societies.. being single everywhere is pitied, even in westrn societies, but at different degrees

ArabLady said...

baa3dni trying to figure out what the funny part  was I am damn serious…wala I would never ever work as khataba but if this would draw a smile on my friend’s face then its ok ….bas tfashalt and that guy was the 2nd yali ma yozbot ma3i :S
But sho bedak a7la min heek open-minded Khataba….and hey WHY U WANNT TWO BRIDES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY 2????
Qwaider, I guess I would be the LAST Khataba on Earth to choose ur wife…U KNOW WHY…

i am good at reading your minds guys( plz ma tsadi2)
by the way Sho yali berasak bel zabt!

Allow me to disagree with u dear….i don’t think such a problem is faced in the Western countries…say Asian & Far Eastern countries but not Western! May be Eastern Europe yes but I guess we r from the nations that consider a female as incomplete identity that should submit to somebody superior in order to provide shelter, support, and guidance…etc

And ah listen no harm in securing a man now in case he is willing to wait years 4 u until u decide ya I wanna get married

Arab Lady, I'm never afraid to face a challenge... and frankly, if I'm getting married to someoen I want her to be smart, independant and very feisty. I don't want to marry a chicken ... There are many who look for a 16 year old kitten. I want a HUMAN to spend my life with... not a chicken!

Anyway, the whole thing is funny. And the way you make it sound as if it's men's fault that female's (MOTHER) is pressuring her .. is even funnier ... what did we do.. it's women torturing women.. we're just enjoying the show :)

Perkunas said...

The Japanese novelist Tanizaki wrote a book called "Makioka Sisters " that has arranged marriages as one it's themes and the pressure that is put upon women to marry young. In Japan, then as now, a woman is pressured to act and look as young as possible; here's a brief (no pun intended) description of the subject from a woman from Austrailia living in Japan: (http://tinygibbon.blogspot.com/2007/03/adam-left-comment-on-my-previous-post.html).

This is a complicated subject -- arranged marriages are a great idea if the arrangers know what they are doing. On the other hand, it can take a bit of experience to figure out how to make a relationship work and to be happy in love and marriage; sound arguments can be made for each case, that of arranged marriages or that of learning from one's experiences in relationships that don't last a lifetime.

clayfuture said...

So you're a match maker now!! It's a big responsibility! Find the wrong groom for the bride and they'll come running after you!! :D

moe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
moe said...

Arab Lady,konnichiwa!

" Marriage is the tomb of life "
Language showing the dignity of the freedom lost in marriage

Wikipedia Jun'ichiro Tanizaki


I like ・・ "卍(Manji)" written by Tanizaki.

rosh said...

Wow - it's a wonderful post AL - loved reading it. My sentiments exactly!

I guess the sub-con culture/mentality is very similar. I am a 30 year old guy was raised in the UAE, my parents are of mixed backgrounds - however in the past 4 years or so - my mom has become sort of a Christian Indian Talibanized conservative marriage obssesed lady : ) I have all sorts of strangers from my church, relatives, family "friends" etc all - hell even the grocery delivery guy asking me - when am I getting married????

I LOVE my mom - but I, no can't do this arranged marriage sh**t - at the sametime I have all due respect to the brave souls who took that route.

It's sad really - I think it goes both ways, for guys and girls. Some people are just not the marrying kind - and I don't know what IS wrong if that's the case???

Likewise my friend has been married to this nice guy for about 2 years now - they live seperately - neither wanted to get married - but freaking Indian conservative/nose butting society wouldn't let these souls just be! I feel so bad for her - she's only 27 and starting to live her life.

Someday these shall change.

J-T Sullivan said...

This one's pretty tough and hits straight back at the dickheads and their preferences. Nicely written.

I tell ya, a girl's never too old to marry and if any moron thinks so, then he's a friggin child molester. Amen to that.

Summer said...

Not every girl is supposed to get married at all! sometimes it is better if women and men stay single..who says that married life is great?? a lot of people make it alone in this world without a partner in life...it all depends on what each one wants out of this life..if a good spouse and a family is all you want, then you have to work at it hard, it does not come easy..but using a Khattabeh is the worst!!!

Shakiratu said...

Arab Lady,

I love you post, as a educated Nigirian living in america, I totaly understand what your friend is going thru... please tell your friend to hang in there and wait until she is ready to marry. otherwise she will be stuck between a rock and a mountain, which is be unhappy, or Alas divorce the wrong bozo after mariage. Live is too short for all this garbage.

Cata said...

ArabLady, i came across your blog few weeks ago and it's great, congratulations.

I am spanish single lady of 32 years old and happy with my civil status (the mine is vocational).
As you well said, here we dont face the problem of being a single when you are getting certain age, it is not any stigma, pity nor shame. Nowadays there are many singles, and it's another option.

I think that one of main causes of women's situation in arab world is the religion that leaves woman in a total situation of inequality with regard to man, add to this that religion is a way of life in arab world, ruling every aspect of life, with very well fixed roles for man and woman.

ArabLady said...

@ Qwaider
“Its Women Torturing Women”
What for? For the sake of pleasing her son who is a man after all
So Qwaider u cant run away… u guys are the source of our problems ;)
Good luck with u search 4 ur HUMAN..

@ Rosh
“Someday these shall change.”
That’s why we are here… again BE the CAHNGE U WANNA C IN THE WORLD
Yup it goes both way ..but a man can marry at any age…a 70 year old man can marry a 17 year old teenager & no one can blame him! So u guys don’t have certain age limits but we do!
Glad that u liked the post : )

@ Perkunas
“sound arguments can be made for each case”
Ya probably ..but isn’t the right time to get over some old beliefs….well to me, arranged marriage is a NO-NOOo..its based on luck mainly…while if u wanna share the rest of ur life with a person u should able to tell whether there is mental, physical, psychological, educational..etc compatibility..isnt enough that ppl wear masks nowadays although u think u know them very well

@ J-T Sullivan
woow.. “a friggin child molester” !
well in some cultures girls can be toooooooool old to marry..esp after finishing her education ! they will tell u so what’s next!
Anyways Welcome!

@ Summer
Oh Summer nice to c u here! Well most of the Arab guys if not all of them use Khataba (match maker) who could be their mothers, sisters, aunts …etc I mean they prefer the traditional arranged way for many reasons…but ya agree with u if the girl hasn’t met the ONE then I prefer she stays single rather than choosing the WRONG person.

ArabLady said...

@ CF
Aha CF..ah man how does it feel in be in love..she did run away yet!!! Lol
Well I do have a refund policy plus if he wants to get married to 3 he can get the 4th free…
So who is the next victim!

@ Cata, thanks & welcome to my blog…enjoy the Arabian hospitality!
It’s not only the religion but mainly the culture..well to be honest with u it depends also on the family’s social status & educational background…so it varies from one Arab Family to another but overall nomatter how successful & independent the Arab woman is she is still considered incomplete..in their point of view she cant rely on her own forever…yes religion gave men power & superiority over females…so in a nut shell its both religion & culture
Welcome again Cata! Would’d love to hear from u always…

@ Moe
Hi Moe “ Konnichiwa”
“Marriage is the tomb of life” I guess so !

Sometimes its not the girl who creates that kind of fuzziness…some single women are happy & content without marriage but HELLO she is living under the society’s microscope…so the environment has a main role in giving importance to this issue…Shakiratu Thanks 4 passing by & dropping a line ..i guess back in Nigeria the situation is somehow the same…

s said...

:) me also, my future name is EtERNAL SPINSTER, then I will die as the crazy cats lady!

but I agree with you... u know women are COMMODITY in this sick bastard life of ours... and a SPINSTER is a woman who refused to be so, or unused COMMODITY.

Cata said...

Thx ArabLady :)

Well, i don't say that religion is the only cause, but that is one of the main in my opinion. I agree with you about culture but it's that religion, in this case Islam is a decisive element in the cultural make up of arabs.

We live in a world of men, patriarchal societies where to be born a girl is a misfurtune in many places, with the role assigned of wife, mother, family..
We are considered as "something" weak and delicated, incapable and incomplete that has to be protected, "a woman".
In Spain this is already overcome but 30 - 40 years ago women's situation was not so different.

Women have to realize that not necessarily these are the roles we want to play and we have to realize too and this is very important, that we have the responsability of raising and educating our sons and daughters in the equality.

malaika said...

Salaam Arab Lady,
Okay I am glad you un-covered such a topic. Arabs are losing it day by day. Whats wrong with being 26 and not MARRIED??? So what??? Seriously our culture is SICK and our Arab men are D*ckheads N the moms 3ad they don't want to out grow the society, wallahi 7alaaa but hell to anyone who gives an ages for marriage, not only hell but all four letters goes to them. Who are they to decide if not even religion have marked on this. So anyways try as much as possible to educate your friend and pass the knowledge to her mother to be easy on the sweet 26yr old. Every one has their blessings through Allah hand. Maybe they should let Allah do his work instead of trying to get their hands dirty.. I admire your courage to change and view your point for all of us to see/learn and understand. Thanks sista N read u laters ;)

Hanan said...

What is so wrong of living on your own? We are not living at times when we can not make our own living! I know a couple of girls who support their families! And the only reason they got married in the first place was so that they wont be called Spinsters!

Ella said...

yal khatabaa! :P
wallaa im an anti men kinda girl as well , but hey you also cant blame a man for wanting what he does, fact be told .. were as picky as hell once we've crossed an age and begin searching for a man that falls under our specific criteria or else!!!

Walla there's nothing to worry about your friend... its natural. nothing wrong with who she is , what she is, how she's been raised, or how god created her. Every woman is perfect standing on her own.... alll these guys need to probably do is give her a chance. All we you guys need to do is back off and let her breathe... When the time is right he'll be there knocking on her door asking for HER.

You said it yourself, pressuring someone into marriage or making them believe that this is their time, this is the right choice can unfold some horrible circumstances...
i say when she's 30 worry- a little! dont forget the world is changing... men are intimidated by strong educated libral or even religous women!!!

Jawahir Jewels said...

i came across ur blogg.. very interesting i must say ...as for the topic on hand.... all i can is that i understand where ur coming from ... and and she too heheh ... been on both sides lol and am still single .... if u need a hand do give me a shout ... or msg :) lovely writing ... i think u should join us :) WIM - women in the middle - too western for the local and too local for the westerners... and as u say cute arab spinster... wanna make it a whole new world.. :)

The Observer said...

This is sad. I have been watching my fellow female friends who havent yet got married. The fear of getting older without getting a husband has been showing in the way they talk and the way they behave since we left college. It seems like a nightmare to many eventhough a lot these days reach 30 with being single.

No matter how they try to ignore it, people keep on reminding them of it, especially moms and other ladies.

A lot end up marrying the wrong person for the sake of marriage.

I so feel sad for what they are going through. Hope every woman do that same of you and dont feel bad about not getting married.

e-nadaha said...

تيجى نعمل دويت؟
انتى الخاطبه و انا النداهه وواقعت الرجاله سودا..

rosh said...

"Well I do have a refund policy plus if he wants to get married to 3 he can get the 4th free…
So who is the next victim!"

Holy AL - you are the crusader of crusaders! : ) lol

I can't help smile/humour/admire the persona & sentiment :)

Asad Ramallah said...

dear arablady,
I hope you will succeed!
Good luck.
I really like the way you write your posts!
Keep it up!

p.s- thanks for visiting my blog, you are more then welcome to read my new post.

Asad al nimr,

Organic-Muslimah said...

I stumbled upon your blog. MashAllah!

How sad for your friend. Wallah. She is brainwashed. And the dumbass dude is getting what he wants.

Your friend is lucky to have you.

Believe me, there is nothing you can do to stop her. She is hooked.

Anonymous said...

Cool down :-)

Change never happens overnight. It takes time. I am sure the attitude of men towards women in our societies has improved in the last few decades & I believe that things will only get better in the future as the society becomes more educated.

Why you are so much against this concept of marriage? Have you ever wondered about one of the main purposes of our lives? I mean pro-creation.

There are two ways of pro-creation, one is within the boundaries of marriage & the other is a wild life, the negative effects of which are visible in the "free" societies of the West in the form of unwanted pregnancies, single mums, etc.

Which one is more desirable?

malaika said...

Ya bint, if I oman 2 UAE we have to hook up, at least take me 2 a shisha place okay... This is a msg so go ahead delete :D

Asya said...

the most ridiculous thing was that one mom "wanted a tall girl".
to me it sounds like as if she's choosing a horse or something...
what about the girl's personality? this seems to be the least important on the list. what those moms don't realise is that their sons will end up living with that girl, spending the rest of their lives together.
probably her own husband chose her because she was tall. the fact that all her brain growth went into her height didn't seem to be important :-)) hahaha

I just found your blog and wanted to say hi - I'm enjoying your writing. The whole "spinster" thing is a mystery to me. The Arab News reported the other day that the number of unmarried women is going to skyrocket in the next few years to something like 5 million. WTF? The male:female birth rates are still favoring males, so where are all these guys going, and who are they marrying?

Anyway, great posts!

david santos said...

O dia 25 de Abril de 1974 foi o dia do derrube da ditadura fascista em Portugal, a chamada REVOLUÇÃO DOS CRAVOS, e a queda do (poder) dos inimigos do povo. 25 de Abril, sempre.

Day 25 of April of 1974 was the day of it knocks down of the dictatorship fascist in Portugal, the call REVOLUTION OF the flowers, and the fall of the power of the enemies of the people. 25 of April, forever!
يوم 25 نيسان 1974 كان يوم تقرع عليها من الديكتاتوريه الفاشيه في البرتغال والدعوة للثورة الزهور ، وسقوط سلطة أعداء الشعب. 25 نيسان ، الى الابد!

День 25 апреля 1974 года, в день он постучит в воздухе фашистской диктатуры в Португалии слово О РЕВОЛЮЦИИ цветы, и падение власти враги народа. 25 апреля, навсегда!
Le jour 25 d'avril de 1974 était le jour de lui frappe vers le bas du fasciste de dictature au Portugal, de la RÉVOLUTION d'appel des fleurs, et de la chute de la puissance des ennemis du peuple. 25 d'avril, pour toujours !
Tag 25 von April von 1974 war der Tag von ihm klopft unten vom Diktaturfaschisten in Portugal, von der Anruf REVOLUTION der Blumen und vom Fall der Energie der Feinde von den Leuten. 25 von April, für immer
25天41974年的一天,它拍下來的法西斯獨裁政權,葡萄牙 號召革命的鮮花,秋天的權力得到人民的敵人. 25日,永不停息

catwalq said...

For women to be liberated, they have to stop victimising each other.
For every unhappy married/ single woman, the strongest forces contributing to that are other women. If she is single, then it is her mother, aunts and older siblings if she has any. If she is married, then it is her mother in-law and other jobless women in her husband's family.
The moment we decide that the,power to change our lives is in our own hands, then we will stop being the pawns of an insipidly patriachal society.

Ozzy4freinds said...

Still too "Arfaanaaaaaa" to post something new?

ArabLady said...

i have noooooooooooooooooooo time :(((( miss u all..

david santos said...

Please, it puts fhoto of Madeleine in your Bloggue

Missing Madeleine!
Madeleine, MeCann was abduted from Praia da Luz, Portugal on 03/03/07.

If you have any information, please contact Crimestoppers on
0800 555 111

Please Help

Saadna said...

Hello. My first visit to your blog, and I find it VERY interesting! I came across you through the Arab Observer.

Anyway, I love the way you're so rebellious, and I love your ideas. I share similar views on some things. Like, marriage for instance. I think it's useless. But unlike you, who is more or less arguing gender inferiority in the Middle East...I just think marriage has no point. And I think there's more to love than marriage. And I wonder why people continue this tradition blindly, without questioning it?

Take care. Keep writing.

Ammoontie said...

Hi arabaldy,
I love reading your blog. This post specially is very interesting.
I myself am single and independent. The right person has not come along yet.
Dont worry if you are twentysomethings and not married.
It is better to stay single rather than marry the wrong guy or marrying for a wrong reason.

Take each day as it comes and enjoy life to the fullest...even by being alone..! Take care dear !

Stained said...

hmm....no new post...??
is everything okay...

brooklyn843 said...

I really enjoyed the questions you raised at the end of the blog. Being from the Western world, it seems that in our society women (in general) are putting off getting married until later in life so that we can focus on our careers before getting married and having children. Many are even choosing to not get married at all, instead to live and raise children with fiancés, partners, boyfriends, etc. In your opinion, do you think the trend in the Arab world will continue to push marriage at all costs, or will there be a rise in women who choose to not get married?

lezah said...

this is very true, come on lah dont just marry the one whome you dont like or love....

how about the sex part?
would you like it?
all this questions eikkkkk....