Today I skipped the international marketing class which was supposed to be at 8:00 am in order to study for the strategic management exam which was as 3:30 pm (as if I studied anything)…last night, I slept at 3:00 am …no don’t think that I wasn’t studying till that time,,,actually I was chatting!!
The exam was ok, my friend (from Slovakia) and I sat at the back in order to cheat!!!She even gave her boy friend the textbook and some slides so she can SMS him whenever she wants a help…..well I am not accustomed to the idea of cheating but I reached the status of indifference!!
I suggested opening the MSN and review the questions together so no one will need to look at another’s screen….i even open the word document so she can see the question in large font!!!!!
Anyway the hour passed so quickly, I got 80% while she got 74…..Finally we passed!!!...
After than I passed by the office a professor that I admire, respect, and like….i tool with him two course last year…he is very kind, caring, and loving. He is American but Lebanese by origin.
He asked me about how life is going and I told him my story. He felt sorry for me as he expected something different. What brought that topic was the discussion about how useless that ambition is without support! He was like: you have no parental support?!…I was ah ya parental support! No, got no parental support! So I told him the story of the internship abroad and how difficult to accomplish anything in such a culture…etc.
we discussed many issues: the ambitious women whose cultural restrictions killed them, discrimination between the man and woman in the Arab societies, the work after graduation,,,,many things……he told me his story and how he left Lebanon to the US where he got his PhD, the challenges he faced especially from his family, and his marriage to an Iraqi woman…blah blah (if that man hadn’t been Christian, I would have asked him to marry me!!! Yaaaaaa allah I envy his wife for having such a man)
anyway that dialogue made me feel better….at least I released loads of pain stored in every cell of my soul…..while driving from school, I was just thinking how much I hate myself, hate arabs, hate islam, hate men, hate tradition and most important hate my family that was the root of such hatred….the family that doesn’t save an effort to make me depressed, hopeless, broken, loser without any desire to do anything if life…….
They have no feelings…no feelings at all,,,as if they have done nothing to screw up and interfere with my life……….wish if God gave us the chance to choose who we are!!!
Aha forget to say that my sister sent me an SMS today morning at 7:30 am again …wish if I could tell her to save her files coz she might need them for something more useful!!!!!!!!……..and again the guys in Dubai called me three times…I lost my mind…I got mad but at myself ….so I wrote them an e-mail explaining that I can’t grape this valuable chance becoz of stupid uncountable circumstances “family commitments, huh”
Anyhow I am just listening to fayrouz ,,her voice is wut makes me alive!!!
4 comments:
Your hatred towards one aspect of your life is reflecting on your ENTIRE life. I'm not even sure how to explain this to you.
When I went through the cap, which btw, I still face to this day (yet on a more diluted level), I always knew that family shit was seperate from God. There would be days I'd say that I 'hate' myself but I don't. I love myself and through all these issues, I do admire myself for fighting and changing things for myself.
AL, just look at it this way. You're given a problem and your first reaction is to hate everything around you. Yet, when you think deeper, you start seeing things a lot more clearly. You try to LEARN from the problems, find ways around it, rebel a little, love yourself and still achieve what you want. It's negative thinking that gets in the way.
Things are so different now, but that's because I didn't get lost in the hatred. I thought deeper and it really works. So, see beyond the hatred. See the reason this is you. I personally think and now realize that people with problems are lucky because we are so much more mature than the shallow people who have always had it easy.
It's natural for you to feel angry now but don't dwell in it. Eventually, you will be responsible for your own destruction, not your family.
twin, did i look like an idiot to u all this while? LOL...yeah totally is me ;)
MD ,,,I actually have no comment on wut u have said coz u r absolutely right…..but again I have this spot to release my anger 2wards everything wrong in my life,,its my tiny lovely place where I can rebel, yell at the losers who interfere with my life , and liberate my imprisoned thoughts….so pardon me if u will c crappy posts from time to time….when I am depressed I don’t think rational at all…and its true that hatred towards the “incapability to change” drives me crazy as I c days pass without any tiny hope of better life…admit that this lead to a state of indifference,,,low morale even….tell me how do u want a person to be optimistic when she sees her life not the one she dreams of/want... some ppl want us to c life from their own perspective, through their blind eyes….wut’s the meaning of life then? I want to c life through my eyes coz its our lives not theirs
I dunno..i might laugh 5 or maybe 10 yrs ahead at the way i perceive things now,,,but at least this is wut I feel now….i jot down wut comes to my mind ,,,,
hala AL,
if u feel like ranting, please go ahead. this is ur personal space and i really don't mind u writing anything u want to. when i started my blog (funky-ass randomness), it was a personal blog and i wasnt writing for anyone. i was writing for myself...so whether people liked reading my depressing stuff or not, i wanted to write. that's why please dont think that i mind ur rants.
i understand them.
but u know, when u write positive things, it infuses a little positivity in u. try it for a change. i used to listen to angry music to help me cope with my anger but i realized it was only making me more angry.
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