15 August, 2006


Are you with or against dating?!?!

To me dating doesn’t necessarily mean making love…

Personally I do agree with dating especially if you are in the process of searching for “THE ONE”. I’m totally against the arranged or traditional marriage. Frankly it’s like buying watermelon its either red or green (metel el batikha ya 7amra ya ar3aa) most importantly I do have the right to pick & choose the man I like....the man I want not what my parents want!

I can’t imagine myself facing a man I don’t know for the rest of life. Oh God it would be the greatest punishment my mom would wish for me….at least I need a year or so to study his personality, mentality, and he must be a great supporter for THE ARAB WOMEN’S RIGHTS!!!! (which I will never find in SOME Arab men)

On the top of all that, it’s vital to know whether you and your soul mate share the same political, religious, social, and personal VALUES…you might say it’s ok & normal to have different opinions BUT I do say that it’s neither ok nor normal to have conflicts over CORE VALUES….unless he is tooooooooo understanding which I doubt finding such a trait in MANY Arab male…..

I agree that dating has many disadvantages especially when you start comparing between you ex- boy friend and you fiancé/ husband.

For example:

Ur ex-b/f used to call you babe, honey, hayati, 7abibty in every and each minute but ur fiancé doesn’t!!!

Ur ex-b/f used to open the door 4 u brfore u get in the car, kiss ur hand when u say bye, and pull the chair 4 u when u go to drink a cup of coffee but ur fiancé doesn’t!!!
(It’s so frustrating I know…very frustrating indeed)

I’m with dating but with limits meaning that:
-Both should be mature enough to have a serious commitment and long term relationship that will/might end up with marriage.

-No sex before marriage ( kisses r ok though…lol)
Believe me 95% of the Arab guys don’ think of getting married to girls they dated & 100% of the Arab guys don’t ever marry girls they had sex with….

I feel sorry for our societies who still disrespect the girl who dates accusing her of dragging her family name in the mud in time the guy can get away with whatever he does!

Is it fair!! I don’t think so……….

18 comments:

adel said...

very true and good analysis! ;)

silentear said...

Salaam,

I am completely surprised at this post considering the "anger" that you openly displayed re. the tribulations faced by the Ummah, in your previous post sister.

I refer back to what I feel is an important point in my previous comment in regards to your previous post:

"We are constantly asking for reform on an international level but as I remember reading once, the demand for external reform will never transpire prior to the reform within the hearts of each Muslim."

If Muslims are to truly put their lives at the mercy of God and for the cause of God then surely we Muslims, each and every one of us, must take responsibility for our own Islam, for our own souls.

The secular/western/non-religious concept of "dating" is against the virtues of Islam and any Muslim who feels differently does not speak for Islam but expresses a personal opinion, only.

If I appear to come across as if I am "preaching" to some of those reading, then please read the article below:

http://www.islamonline.com/cgi-bin/news_service/spot_full_story.asp?service_id=758

Why has Islam prohibited dating?

"Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world shall not exist among Muslims -- where a man and a woman (or boy/girl) are in a one-on-one intimate relationship, spending time together alone, getting to know each other in a very deep way.

A man and a woman are not allowed to be alone together, and any physical contact before marriage is forbidden. Hence, Dating is not permitted in Islam.

Allah has prohibited girl/boyfriend relationships in the Qur'an

"(Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time, when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends. ... ” - Al-Ma'idah 5:5.

If a Muslim man has the desire and willingness to assume marital responsibilities, and he doesn’t have anyone in mind, he might ask his friends, family, and relatives if there is a lady that might be suitable for him among their acquaintances and relatives, and then the couple can meet with their family members.

As a result, many marriages in the Muslim world were traditionally arranged marriages, though this is not a religious requirement. However, both couples can not be forced to accept an arranged marriage and if a man likes someone (with the intention of marriage) that he knows from work, neighborhood or acquaintances, etc… he shall propose to her.

Islam also encourages Muslims to marry persons for whom they have special feelings and are comfortable with. Thus, Islam recommends that potential marriage partners see one another before proposing marriage. Explaining the reason for such a recommendation, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:

“That would enhance/foster the bonding.”

However the prospective couple shall not meet in private, this might lead to extremely unwanted situations, as Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said :

“Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan is the third among them” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi)..

At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an

"Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. "

In conclusion, Islam lays its social structure on the basis of a permanent relationship between a man and a woman in the form of a family.

Consequently, to preserve this marital relationship, it forbids all forms of temporary relationships between a man and a woman. Pre-marital relationships in Islam are not considered respectful for neither the man nor the woman, nor is it constructive for the concept or the building the family or the Islamic society.

May God guide the Ummah towards what is correct and proper, inshallah.

3anooda said...

you cannot compare the olden days with the current period of time. we are in a world now, where shall a girl choose she wants to marry someone the traditional way by an arranged marriage, then the men are no longer like that.

we are in a world where divorce has exceeded one quarter of the marriages. so people dont want to get into that. i mean if the reason for divorce is something very very obvious where had she known, she would not have accepted him in the first place. why not save both families the trouble and discover those things in a pre-marital relationship!!!

the issue with dating is mainly the 5ulwa issue. these days 5ulwa occurs whether u are dating someone or not. since purely the issue of travelling anywhere outside the house withOUT a mu7ram means u might be in an elevator, a meeting, an office, a waiting room, etc in close proximity to a strange man and with no one else present.!!!!! all this would never have happened before since women were not leaving the house even.

anyways this is a gate u do not want to open.

I say go sister go. im WITH dating all the way. I wanna know my man before i make the mistake of getting married.

Dozz said...

hey,
for me,arranged marraige is beyond comprehension,its like...an african ritual i cant relate to,but dating...?

if i bump into "the one" as u say,n that means bumping into him each n every day for some time(hopefully that'll be enough to know him),then,i'll "think" about getting
married,otherwise,there's no need to run a search for him,its not like one HAS to get married,fine,is a nice feeling,and those who dont get married miss a lot...but there's no reason at all to marry a random person just for the heck of it..
it goes this way :
u know the person(like/love him at some point),realize u can both add up something(mistahel,ya reit) to each others' lives,SO u think of marraige..
NOT:
decide to get married,or,u'll eventually do,and then try to get as close as u can to what u have in mind.

plus,dating is an act,no matter how spontaneous we are...

i hate compromise,especially in something so..fatal.

silentear said...

Salaam

To the previous two comments - I write this assuming that you are Muslims. Please take your minds out of the gutters of western immorality. You will only be saved from hell fire through the purity and infinite wisdom of Islam.

"we are in a world where divorce has exceeded one quarter of the marriages" - I suggest you research into the causes of this and you will see these figures take route in the very increase in the practice of intimate relationships between man and woman, out side the contract of marriage.

"you cannot compare the olden days with the current period of time. we are in a world now" - What do you assume the Prophet of Islam lived in? a fictitious world of make believe?? Look around at the world that surrounds you. Look at the immorality and the wickedness of this world and the signs of the end days according to Islam and ask yourself what you are doing as Muslims.

Muslims continue to mourn the death of innocent Muslims around the world and wonder “where is God”, “why isn’t God doing anything” or “where are the Arab rulers ..why don’t they help the ones being slaughtered?”. Yet Muslims continue to move away from religion and expect God to still protect them when they cannot even be bothered to protect themselves from the evils that God has already given them the means of protection from.

There are Muslims rejecting the message of Prophet Muhammad pbuh, rejecting the only eternal and ageless laws set down for mankind in Islam and make such futile comments such as “we are in a different/new/modern world now” – look around you and FEEL the suffering of the Ummah – not just for the period while it remains on the TV screens but every single day that it continues - and the immorality of the “new world order” and then think about the sacrifices and hardships that our Prophet went through for this Ummah.

Ask yourself what has happened to this Ummah and what am I doing to improve religiously?

Where is the Ummah’s submission to the Will of God?!

There will always be those, whether Muslim of otherwise, who will refuse to accept the truth in Islam and will try to justify each and every one of their sins. If Muslims want the suffering of the Ummah to end, then let us all start with the process of curing the disease in our own heart inshallah.

Read and take out of the above what little you wish, if anything. It is God that we will all answer to, not each other. What we attempt to keep hidden from our conscious in this world, will not be kept a secret on that vital day.

Summer said...

Arablady,
what a taboo subject to write about on your blog!!! I think I should say CONGRATULATIONS for tackling such subject.
the debate will take forever! you will have many supporters and triple the number of people who will oppose you!! Be ready to dive into this struggle..many people will be against your thoughts personally or virtually. good luck to you and be assured that i will be watching the comment on this subject for a long time!
Are you planning on replying to the comments?? I guess you should, it will open up more space for logical debate, brighter thoughts, ideal ideas and maybe have an openness about such important matter in the lives of many young men and women.

babe_uae said...

WOW - what a great and emotional subject to place on a blog !!!

I have to say that I dont agree with arranged marriages, often they end up in unhappiness and infedelity.

My now husband who is a UAE national and muslim was also my boyfriend for 8 years before we married WHY ? because his family were so insitant upon an arranged marriage in the family, they came so many times to him with ladies for marriage and at each time he refused.

I wish now that we had not slept together before the marriage as I know that this is against islam but at that time I was not muslim, for a westerner this is normal practice.

His family now agree that he is more happy and settled than he has ever been and they realise that to some extent they made a mistake, but it does not stop them continuing the tradition of arranged marriages and marrying in the family.

The number of his friends who are TRAPPED in arrange marriages who are "playing" around is huge, I am so glad that we are not in this situation and that he does not feel that he needs to play around in order to find some sort of happiness.

There are so many reasons why arranged marriages are not the way to go I could write all day but I am sure you would become bored.

Try to date with a chaperone to adhere to the Islamic teachings therefore you remain chaste for that right person that WILL come along.

The Rendezvous said...

Great and I am not against dating though these issues need to be discussed throughly:

First and foremost, dating is brought about by wanting to associate with an opposite partner with a certain intention:I am not here to discuss what I call "bad and sinful habits" but the good side of it..

For a happy and satisfying relationship, I would urge anyone ready to marry or is proposing to marry to date and know "the person"..How do u marry someone you don't know?

I have dated several ladies and I still have a lot of contentions with some of them...Some are good, some horrible and some fair..

That is the only way to get things going..and to have a good partner..

You would wish to date and marry someone you are a freind with..that is where dating comes in..

Haider Droubi said...

Datint...doesnt mean having sex...espichally when y r looking for 'the one'..it is only a way to come across yr partner ,,the same way y do when y meet at work,,,family gathering...street,,shope...so we cant judge dating as a forbidden way to meet people...i agree that some might use this dating thing for pure pleasure,,then it is not the dating thing negativity..cos anyone can do this anywhere,,in every minute,,,even in the streets..so lets not be so extreme...it is about the intentions (nawaia);
further more..i cwould like to comment on SILENTEAR:
YOU wrote'Islam recommends that potential marriage partners see one another before proposing marriage'..i think it is a must...cos in islam the girl must agree on the man proposing ..and should say it clearly to the sheikh...that meansshe should know him(knowing is being able to judge him,,it doesnt mean having an intimate relation)...thus ..recommends is no the right word,,and it is not recorded in any book or hadeith...as far as i know...
furthermore...y wrote '“Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan is the third among them” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi)..
i agre that this is true...but Satan is always there..in every minute even when y r alone..so it depends on how faithfull is a human being...ofcourse if someone knows that he has no faith ,,and that he will be envolved in a mistake,,he should avoid this gathering...the same he should do in eery thing in life when it comes to Desired and instincts,,,food,,money,,,anger,,are all the same..devil s always there,,and cant decive one's self...
simply,,i want to say the Islam is more fair ,,it is only our culture that push us to put a lot of limits and taboos on ourselves...no one has the right to speak on behalf of islam,,we can only speak our 'understanding' and our openion...
thats what i liked about this article and comments...

May god help us to be on the right way always ..not only on what we think it is the right way ..wether it is being conservative or liberal...it is about intentions.

salam ..

clayfuture said...

I loved that little saying from Prophet Muhammad (PBUH):

“Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan is the third among them” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi)

Got me thinking dude!

Mise said...

The whole ban on sex-before-marriage issue in Islam and in Christianity is mired in hypocrisy and double-standards. The vast majority of Arab man I have met, and I've taught a lot in my 15 years in the Middle East, have had sex before marriage, or have tried to find someone to have sex with before they were married (as a lot of men do, and women too). Of course they want to marry virgins ..but that's got nothing to do with religion in most cases...it's to do with cultural expectations and the prescribed role of women in society. It was exactly the same in my own country not that long ago. Thankfully, things have changed and some of the hypocrisy attached to this whole area has been exposed and dealt with.

Men and women want to have sex ...if someone wants to abstain from sexual activity until after marriage for whatever reason, then fine. That's their choice to make. But it should be their choice. Yes, Islam and Christianity, and possibly Judaism too (I don't know) prohibit sex-before-marriage ...but our religions prescribe and/or prohibit a lot of things which many people accept or reject on an a la carte basis depending on where they are and who they're with. For example, how many Muslims give Zakat, in the correct amount each year? How many Catholics fast correctly during Lent? The list could go on and on...

Live your own life, and let others live theirs. We'll all be much happier that way.

Al-Hajeji said...

thank you for the kind comment on my blog :)

Are you an emaratee woman, or do you just live/work in UAE?

7ala said...

Wallah ya ArabLady I dont know what to say!
I dont like arranged marriages but at the same time I am not with dating. I believe inno el2ashia btijy la7alha w ana ba7eb inha tijy la7alha hek "3ala eltasaheel" :-)

And regarding this "Believe me 95% of the Arab guys don’ think of getting married to girls they dated & 100% of the Arab guys don’t ever marry girls they had sex with…." yes you are very right!

I think if dating is wrong then it should be wrong for both girls and guys and if its ok then its ok for both, even our religion ma farra2 bainhom fi had elmawdo3!

Anonymous said...

O.o Kisses are OK?

Can you tell me which mufti says that? I might feel like buy a couple of fatwas from him someday.

ArabLady said...

Why don’t u go through the stuff I wrote to c if I referred to the issue from the religion’s point of view? Did I say Sheikh X has said this an d Sheik Y has said that !!!

Gautam said...

Actually dating does not mean making love at all, they are two seperate things. Dating is purely a part of the western culture. But people who are new to it pick up a few things about it and miss out on the others. Like for instance for many of the Asians / Middle Eastern and other non-western nationalities dating means seeing a partner for a while untill you end up in bed with him/her and thats the end of it. Your thoughts on dating were pretty good.

Cheers!

Gautam

Gautam said...

Actually dating does not mean making love at all, they are two seperate things. Dating is purely a part of the western culture. But people who are new to it pick up a few things about it and miss out on the others. Like for instance for many of the Asians / Middle Eastern and other non-western nationalities dating means seeing a partner for a while untill you end up in bed with him/her and thats the end of it. Your thoughts on dating were pretty good.

Cheers!

Gautam

ArabLady said...

Gautam,

Oh Gosh

good that someone got my point

thx 4 coming by!!!