Another horrid crappy movie

21 April, 2006

Well, yesterday I watched an Egyptian Movie on Melodi Aflam TV. The story caught my attention as the theme was discussing several crucial things in our Arab society. I told myself oh my God finally there is an Arabic movie worth watching! I was mistaken actually!!

The story was about young couple going back from London to Egypt after getting their degrees in medicine. Actually the guy got married in London without informing his uncle “the scary close-minded monster in the movie” who spent a lot on teaching and raising his nephew. The guy promised his wife to introduce her to his family as soon as possible but claimed that he needed time.

His weak personality, his submission to the cultural habits that entail the guy to marry his cousin, and his fear to let his uncle down forced him to marry his cousin, who was waiting for him all those years, without informing his first wife, the one that mind and heart chose! Wut a bastard!!

For almost a year he was split between here and there refusing to be a MAN by telling the truth to both his uncle and his first wife. Since he was living with the first wife at his uncle’s villa, he couldn’t resist his brutishness lust so his wife got pregnant from the first time…….

Anyhow, I was so excited to c the end…..Was excited to c who will win

Many questions went in my mind, could that educated, civilized, and open-minded man resist the barbarity and the retardation, and backwardness of his culture….

Would he be able to say that HE CHOSE HIS WOMAN?

The end was shocking, unexpected as I was waiting 4 another end showing to the people what should happen…He dumped his first wife, he ran to his second wife as she gave a birth to a baby boy!....He even wasn’t brave to give any explanation to his first heartbroken wife …just left without saying anything letting her relative who was aware of wut happened from A to Z tell her the truth … tell her that she got married 2 a sucker , a big liar, a chicken in man shape!!! I really own an apology to chicken now….

In fact, the most horrible mistake a women could ever commit is getting married 2 a man who is not a MAN…why would I get married to a guy who doesn’t have the courage to fight for me, to fight the whole world for my eyes, a rabbit who couldn’t face his family to say this is the woman I love, the woman I want, the woman who I wanna spend the rest of life with….

Is this the message Arab movies wanna send! I feel sorry for the two hours I spent watching a ridiculous and meaningless film where the mistaken beliefs won and had the final word …

Do U Miss me

18 April, 2006

never expected to like a guy who doesn’t give me a damn …I used to lecture my friends when it comes to love and men ….but when u try its something different…..
I hate my self when I think about him, why would I care about him….to hell with love…but after all, u need that special person in ur life, ,,,that person who cares about u , misses u , loves u , gets mad at u …blab blah….

i have no clue wut my reaction would be in case I met him one day….wut if he wanted us to go back to each other… should I say NO, SORRY u r not in my life anymore…or should I open my arms telling him that I MISSED HIM BIG TIME…..

Wish if I can understand you, 3an jad dying to know wut is going on in ur head…do u miss me, actually I do, every day I remember u ,,,,in every hour and minute….i feel that u had no idea how much I care about u that’s why u r giving me a hard time…….

One day I will be able to FORGET U …..I know that BUT I DON’T WANT that 2 happen…had no choice other than tearing out that leaf …….

MISS U BUT u know wut I always ask God to bless u …..Wherever u r , whomever u r with…I wish u all the best ………..

My silent friend

04 April, 2006

Driving from the university I decided to go to the beach as the weather was cloudy little bit. I chose a quiet spot…actually I couldn’t resist not to be near the water… I always had that secretive relation with the sea… Whenever I wanna escape from human beings, I go to visit my silent friend. It’s color and the sound of its water hitting the rocks I sit on give me the energy to survive. It charges me with power to struggle. What makes the sea unique is that its always there for you, to listen to you ……..

I just grabbed a stone and start drawing on the sand. Strips and matrixes are what my hand drew. Deep lines…but not as deep as my soul wound… I wondered about what these lines might mean in the psychology dictionary….
Anyway ..felt that I want to get closer and closer to my friend so I jumped on the rocks.
i told myself now I can see the whole sea clearer. Wish if I could see my future path as clear as I saw the blueness of the sea.

I saw a plane and wished if it could stop and pick me. It would be a miracle….a miracle that it will never happen,,, but who knows …it might have read my thoughts at that moment but chose to ignore me ... sometimes objects might understand, feel, sense more than human beings!!

I didn’t care where it was going as long as it will take me far away.

Anyhow…I charged myself with wut might keep me strong for coming days so I decided to go home… while going back to my car, a local guy passed in front of me and said: Asalam 3alikno (Peace be upon you)

I was like sorry I won’t fell in that stupid situation again. So I ignored him as if I haven’t heard anything…
The other day while walking in the street a car approached me and the guy driving said:
Mar7aba “Hi”
Me: Ahleen “Hi”
The guy with a suit and tie: Kifik “ How are you!!”
I was like damn it ..i thought that he stopped me to ask me about directions or something as he looked mature (in mid thirties may be) and gentle….i felt that I was really stupid..why did I stop in da middle of the street and gave him attention!
Ya well I though that he would be civilized but ya I was mistaken (as 99.99% of men are not!!! )

Anyway …beside my car was a cute guy smoking alone.,, Sounded that he had something to say to the sea. I felt that we had something in common. Felt that he had a story to tell….

But I just ignored him as I switched on the engine and drove away………

Are U A Rebel or revolutionary?

Aren’t these wonderful words worth reading hundred times…I keep on reading them over and over,,,,and every time I discover new meaning,,,the shadow of wisdom behind each letter…

A rebel is one who doesn’t rebel against the society, who understands the whole game of it and simply slips out of it. It becomes irreverent to him. He is not against it. And that is the beauty of rebellion: it is freedom. The revolutionary is not free. He is constantly fighting with something-how can he be free? He is constantly reacting against something-how can there be freedom in reaction?

Freedom means understanding. One has understood the game, and seeing that this is the way the soul is prevented from growing, the way one is not allowed to be oneself, one simply gets out of it without scar on the soul. One forgives and forgets and remains without any clinging to the society in the name of love or in the name of hate. Society has simply disappeared for the rebel. He may live in the world or he may go out of the world, but he belongs to it no more; he is an outsider.

OSHO

You personality type according to the first number you get (have a look at the previous post

02 April, 2006

1. Dynamic
You are lively, energetic, and dynamic and have that solid determination. You like to succeed in any competition. Generally, you are independent, and you can’t stand relying on others or being roped by marriage!! You don’t care that much about familial life and you prefer to live by your own. You feel great when you have control over things.

2. Quiet
You are diplomatic, quite, and kind, and do listen to others and respect them, and don’t exceed the borders. You can’t live alone and do need others. Sometimes you are cautious, hesitant, and with low self-esteem.

3. Adventurous
Thirsty for adventures and changes. You tend to be that person who loves traveling and hanging around without a gool. Tend to be rational. What you like most is fun ,adventures, and experiencing things

4. Cautious
Not that type that likes thinking about crazy ideas. You simply think about the results in this first place. Deep inside, you are honest and loyal. What you need is stable work, love and some organization in your life. It’s so difficult to convince you to change your way because you don’t like speeding.

5. Excited
You are crazy and love life. In love with adventures and not very cautious. You need freedom, living humanitarian experiences, and constant change. In deed, you are a traveler that seeks new things and you like testing the strong feelings.


6. Responsible
You like to be surrounded by your partner, kids, relatives, and friends. You feel so responsible towards yourself and others. You are organized in every thing you do especially at work. Artist, attractive, sensitive, and need comfort, security and the protection of your surroundings.

7. Unique
You are independent and take your own decisions alone. What you need is peace and quietness to feel ok. You are idealistic, secretive, and prefer to avoid crowded places. You also study things very well and think too much. Your interests tend to be spiritual but not materialistic.

8. Idealistic
You always think about others. Simply, you are generous, ideal, and dedicated to others. Dream about traveling, friendships, and humanitarian experience. You are so sensitive and thinker. You only move on when you have confidence in your self and whenever you specify a task, you accomplish it quickly.

Today I skipped the international marketing class which was supposed to be at 8:00 am in order to study for the strategic management exam which was as 3:30 pm (as if I studied anything)…last night, I slept at 3:00 am …no don’t think that I wasn’t studying till that time,,,actually I was chatting!!

The exam was ok, my friend (from Slovakia) and I sat at the back in order to cheat!!!She even gave her boy friend the textbook and some slides so she can SMS him whenever she wants a help…..well I am not accustomed to the idea of cheating but I reached the status of indifference!!

I suggested opening the MSN and review the questions together so no one will need to look at another’s screen….i even open the word document so she can see the question in large font!!!!!

Anyway the hour passed so quickly, I got 80% while she got 74…..Finally we passed!!!...

After than I passed by the office a professor that I admire, respect, and like….i tool with him two course last year…he is very kind, caring, and loving. He is American but Lebanese by origin.

He asked me about how life is going and I told him my story. He felt sorry for me as he expected something different. What brought that topic was the discussion about how useless that ambition is without support! He was like: you have no parental support?!…I was ah ya parental support! No, got no parental support! So I told him the story of the internship abroad and how difficult to accomplish anything in such a culture…etc.

we discussed many issues: the ambitious women whose cultural restrictions killed them, discrimination between the man and woman in the Arab societies, the work after graduation,,,,many things……he told me his story and how he left Lebanon to the US where he got his PhD, the challenges he faced especially from his family, and his marriage to an Iraqi woman…blah blah (if that man hadn’t been Christian, I would have asked him to marry me!!! Yaaaaaa allah I envy his wife for having such a man)

anyway that dialogue made me feel better….at least I released loads of pain stored in every cell of my soul…..while driving from school, I was just thinking how much I hate myself, hate arabs, hate islam, hate men, hate tradition and most important hate my family that was the root of such hatred….the family that doesn’t save an effort to make me depressed, hopeless, broken, loser without any desire to do anything if life…….

They have no feelings…no feelings at all,,,as if they have done nothing to screw up and interfere with my life……….wish if God gave us the chance to choose who we are!!!


Aha forget to say that my sister sent me an SMS today morning at 7:30 am again …wish if I could tell her to save her files coz she might need them for something more useful!!!!!!!!……..and again the guys in Dubai called me three times…I lost my mind…I got mad but at myself ….so I wrote them an e-mail explaining that I can’t grape this valuable chance becoz of stupid uncountable circumstances “family commitments, huh”

Anyhow I am just listening to fayrouz ,,her voice is wut makes me alive!!!

Another bad daaaaaay

01 April, 2006

Today is another bad day. So depressed. I had a lecture at 11am but couldn’t get up till 10:30 although I slept at around 1:30 …I was so scared to miss the class especially that the professor is so strict with regard to attendance. Tomorrow I have strategic management exam. But not in the mood to study. So crazy, right!!! Imagine I have more than 150 pages to read which I have no clue what they are about…ah ya they are about stupid strategic management. I will definitely fall this exam. It’s so painful when you reach that stage of indifference, no feelings of guilt anymore!! I am listening to music to relax little bit so I might try to read for tomorrow’s exam.

Today, I saw a missed called from the ppl in Dubai, again didn’t call back. I can’t …I dunno what to tell them after I showed that enthusiasm to participate in their program. i couldn’t stop thinking about this issue. I want to overcome my shock.

Oh one more thing, yesterday a guy e-mailed me regarding an ad I posted on a website … I am looking for a part-time job to kill boredom especially that I’m not in the mood to study at all this semester. Hope just to pass!

But that guy didn’t call me so far. I want to do anything new in order to lessen the depression that I suffer from these day! Plz callll meeeeeeeeeeeeee

This is my third cup of nescafeeeeeeeee….wana finish it and go back to studying,,,,